One of those

November 23, 2010

I just realised that I could be one of those couples we always talk about, the ones that are married but actually unhappy without anyone knowing. Today, I tried to talk to him about something I disagree about him, and I thought it was a very logical request. All I did was request that he spend some precious time that we have with our toddler, which for him is only about 2 hours a day, instead of spending that time watching tv and doing other meaningless things while our toddler is at home. I told him once, maybe with a rather strict tone, thinking that he would get it. But within the same hour, he defied my request at least 3-4 times. I got impatient and asked him why he does what he does, I tried using a calm tone and low voice, as our toddler was playing right in front of me. At first he just kept quiet and ignored me, until I asked if I was talking to a wall,  which he started raising his voice and saying that I was trying to create problems and finding a reason to argue. We seldom argue by the way. Most times when I tried to bring something up for discussion, I get shut down by his passiveness and by the next morning, we just ignore the initial issue and life goes on. I know that men hates such discussions, but women needs them. Is it too much to ask for a proper conversation about something we obviously disagree on?

I just want to know if I was really at fault. Should I just go on in this marriage being the pleasing wife that never brings up my dissatisfaction in anything? Should I just pour my disagreement on this blog or to someone else? Why do men shut down in confrontation? At these times, I cannot help but wonder can our marriage last. We’ve been married less than 5 years and already, cracks exist. At these times, I always wonder if he regretted marrying me, the strong minded loud speaking lady. He probablywished he had married his high school sweet heart, who no doubt is an opposite of me. Here I am, after giving birth, an overweight, loud mouthed, speak my mind, controlling, demanding woman, who most won’t find attractive physically, then there is his ex, cute and charming, also a mother, but still beautiful and demure. How can I compare. I know for a fact as he has told himself that I am just the replacement because he got dumped. I was more the 2nd choice rather than the 1st choice. I must admit that it was the same way with him. I was dumped before I chose to be with him. I had a high school soul mate, well, the one I started this blog for, who pretty much dumped me as well. So, I guess we are each other’s 2nd choice. Yet I thought we could make it work. Sometimes it just felt like too much work, sometimes it felt like I was doing it alone. Is it supposed to be that hard.

Sure I probably can continue in this marriage for our whole lives, but am I trapped in an unhappy marriage like so many out there? Am I just really one of them? Should I avoid all arguments by keeping my feelings to myself, would that make him happier? I guess he felt disrespected, as I seemed to know much more and know how to argue with the theories and proven research facts, and that made him feel like I was boasting my knowledge. Then how else should I present my thoughts. It is hard just to tell him that couples are supposed to talk and sit down and talk about things. He’s the kind that tries to avoid talking below the surface. I’m passionate so when I talk about something I might tend to raise my voice to drive in the point, he thinks I am just scolding him. Sigh, what do you all think?

Have anyone ever had the experience of having this one person in your thoughts at ALL times, during work to the times at home, to the first moments of awakening? It is right now happening to me, this person, who I don’t even really know!

Some history, I work with this person, who is much younger than me, 6 years to be exact. He is very quiet and so am I, so we never talk, besides the usual work related conversations when I need something from him or when he needs something from me. So that was that for possibly a few years. I never think of him anymore than that boy in my office.

Until recently, I started talking to him when we were alone doing something together. He doesn’t normally ‘talk’ to me, he normally just nods, or says yes or no. However, this time, he really talked, to the point that I knew his history, when he’s from, what happened to him, his hobbies, his ambitions, his disappointments and all that.

I guess I looked at him differently after that, he isn’t just another person sitting in the office, but a real person. What’s weird after that is I cannot stop thinking about him. We never talk again after that, and most times when I tried making conversation, he pretty much ignores me. Yet I can’t help but feel like he is watching me, just as much as I am watching him work. I feel like a stalker!

How do you get someone off your mind?

Eternal love?

March 5, 2010

I am happy to report that I no longer can say I love him.  It has been a couple of years gone by without a single post. And about 5 years since this started. I cannot believe it, but it did took about 5 years to completely stop loving a man you have decided to stop loving. The best thing is, we are still friends. However, what happened back then has become a taboo topic, basically a topic we shove into the locker and throw away the key. I bet we are both agreeable to that.

So, recently we talked, and I realised, I don’t really have that I want to please him feeling anymore. The desire is maybe 90% fizzled out. There is no desire to talk to him, no desire to see him. Possibly if he called and said he was right outside, I would make the excuse that I am not in. You know, that kind of scenario. It was ok just chit chatting, but no excitement reserved for people you love. So I can safely say, although we are friends, I am no longer in love. I guess this is attributed to the fact that I have too many people to love right now, my men, the big and little one, whom I am pouring all my love into, my family etc. Plus all I want to say is , commitment does not equal love.

In marriage, we make a commitment. Regardless of the feeling, we are in it for the long haul. Fleeting feelings come and go, I must acknowledge that ‘feelings’ happen. No denying that. But if you don’t act upon that feeling, then it is safe for the marriage. So I am really glad to report, I am over it and walking away. 🙂

Sure nice talking to you

April 16, 2008

Sure nice talking to you…you still strike my heart.

We’re talking like nothing happened yesterday. Although you try to be upbeat, you try to joke around today, somehow, I can sense your sadness. Something is depressing. Sometimes it’s better not to know how you feel, cause it makes me feel the same

Feel

April 9, 2008

I feel what you feel, I cannot help but breathe the air that carries the winds of melancholy, the air you sigh in. Even a thousand miles away, my heart cries at every sadness in your heart. I just want you to be happy. That’s the only way I know how to love…to cry with you when you cry, to laugh with you when you laugh, to just be there, knowing your every trial, every victory, every brokenness, every hope.

Doing this, without your even knowing it, wouldn’t matter to you. I know for a long time, I am no more the one in your heart. Sure, sometimes a small part of me wishes otherwise. Did you leave because you love me, because you know you will hurt me, because you don’t want to disappoint me again? Did you do it out of selfish reasons, or is it true love? Is true love about letting go, as long as he is happy.

When you let me go, you did make me happy. I am now happy, a state I probably cannot achieve even if I was in your arms. Being with you can only bring hurt, heartache, confusion, melancholy. I am now happy, but I wish you can be the same. Only when you are, can I really then, be completely happy. How can my soul rejoice, when yours agonizes?

You’re in my every prayer. Know that He will take care of you, to be your hope in these times of depression.

Memories…

April 7, 2008

A few weeks ago, I started to have relapsing memories of him, the soulmate of 11 years ago. The one who caused me to start this blog 3 years ago when he came back into my life. After a hurtful 2 weeks with him, and then years of healing, I could say I was finally healed and really stopped thinking of him this year. In fact, this year was the only time I actually forgot even his birthday. For the last couple of years, I went to sleep sometimes just thinking of him. Thinking of all the past hurts and words that were exchanged. So, I believe I truly managed to forget him this year. I was actually happy and thinking of him didn’t bring pain to my heart. Well, the last couple of weeks, I was just thinking of him again, but the feeling wasn’t there anymore. It was like a distant memory, a distant dream. Give me another 10 years, I will probably forget everything.

However, last Wednesday we spoke again, online. This was the first time we spoke since the last time which was a year ago already. I guess now we only catch up as friends once a year. As accessible as the internet is, it doesn’t really cause people to communicate more regularly, instead it’s the reverse. Those days of snail mail, we used to write so much more often.

So we talked, we still click like we used to. I am more careful this time to remain as casual as possible and not to bring up the past. Indulging in past feelings isn’t going to help. So we just talk about the things we are doing now and all that. Amazingly just casual talk and chat can take up nearly 2 hours. I am satisfied with the way things are now. What’s wrong with just remaining casual talk once a year friend. The rest of the year we can put each other aside and don’t need to dwell in forgotten past.

Like I mentioned before, I have so many crushes on so many men, it is just normal to have that right. But with this man, I will always love him, unconditionally, with no expectations of anything in return. It’s just that whenever I do think of him, I realise I still love him. Like a name crafted and engraved in my heart, over the years it may be covered by layers of skin and cell, but it will always be there. It cannot be removed much as I want to. No matter what he has done, I can always find in my heart to forgive him, to continue to love him. Doesn’t matter if he’s aged, changed, forgotten me even, I can never forget him. Doesn’t matter if I can love and live with someone else, my heart doesn’t lie to me. I will always love you.

Vanity

February 1, 2008

Vanity, vanity, it’s all vanity…ever heard that? Rings true. Some time ago, met someone online. It always starts as an innocent friendship, and that is really what I want. I never want any thing more with anyone online, as I want to be a committed person. However, I admit that it’s not possible to just be friends that totally like each other with some one of the opposite sex. Writers have debated over this over the years. But how do you stop yourself, when deep in you, you already know that there is a sort of attraction there?

So, this guy, we met about a year ago, when I was still single, and so was he. He was much younger, and lived on the other side of the world. We found numerous things in common to talk about, but ultimately was the flirting possibilities that kept it on. He was not pressing, or persistant, and talked from the beginning about keeping it real, only friends is what we say. However, a mistake we made was we didn’t keep our affections about each other a secret, but easily spill it out over the internet. We weren’t anonymous to each other either, willingly exchanging photos and personal details.

There was a clear line we never crossed for over months. And then both of us got attached, at about the same time, me first and then him. We were acting like more than friends, and he did many things for me, like what friends would. He was also suggestive etc, though I never wanted to go with it. Until one day, he crossed the line and wanted me to come along. When I refused, it probably hurt him. And so he disappeared from the face of the earth, gone from my radar. I tried to apologise and told him why I just wanted nothing more, no reply. That was last year, so I am just writing to confirm that some things just don’t last. I was a little sad, as I liked the friendship part as long as we stayed well away from testing the waters, why can’t it remain that way, I would think, and yet I would know it wasn’t really possible. I guess this is not the first time that I realise friendships that cross the line can’t ever return to the way it was before. A case well proven…yet learned. I miss him…sometimes.

Satisfied…or am I?

August 2, 2007

It had all been bliss….commitment, it’s a beautiful thing. As you might have noticed, I write here when something in my heart and mind is not right. I write here to let it all out. I write here so I can surrender myself, the fact that I am sometimes, quite messed up.

I met a new friend. It was insignificant how we met, but the moment I set eyes on him, there was chemistry. I’m not talking about love here, but have you ever been in a room of hundreds of people and at least one person stood out? It was like that.

So, we talked, and now we’re friends. We really clicked, there’s so much we could talk about. As usual, he’s attached and so am I. That’s fine, but I can’t help but wonder why a normal boy and girl can’t be just friends. There’s always something sexual about a boy girl relationship, by that I don’t mean literally sex. For me, if I was close to a guy friend, and you can be buddies and all, and you can be happily attached yourself, but when you’re too close, there’s that other kind of attraction which I can’t explain that you don’t find with same sex friendships. Is that normal?

So, it was to the point where I can’t wait for our next conversation, we joked and talked, but no, we don’t flirt. Draw the line. But there’s that small yearning and excitement of meeting again. Maybe this is due to the beginning of friendships which will eventually wear off. I try to tell myself to stop being so analytical, can’t I just appreciate a friendship as it is. I really don’t understand how some people can be best friends with a another guy without falling in love with him. Beats me.

Breaking one off

April 27, 2007

Today, after arguing with one of the men who claimed attraction to me, I decided to break off all contact with him. This must be the one most wise things I’ve done in a long time. This man that I was in contact with, had for months, been showering me with praises and showing great attraction to me, making me feel great. However, I don’t exactly have a great deal of attraction to him. I had made it clear to him from beginning that I have a boyfriend, and that I will not leave my boyfriend or anything for him. He understood that, but he was really persistent and sometimes rather pushy. He flirted a lot and tried to romance me into giving in to him. Thank goodness I did not. However, this guy some times can just read girls. Many times I fell for his charm? I told him many things that I shouldn’t…basically I was beginning to get emotionally attached to him. Needing this companionship, loving the time spent together. However, today I just decided to break it off clean. He wanted a symbiotic relationship, whereby I fulfil him physically and he will fulfil me emotionally. I found that totally morally unacceptable…all I wanted was just be friends. Friends who care sincerely and just able to talk at times…but he wanted more. I argued with him for about 2 days why I can’t do it. He forced me to a corner to make the choice…decide to go ahead or go. It wasn’t exactly a hard decision. So instead of lingering on and just letting this conversation go on and on and on again next time, I decided, let’s just move our own ways. This is not worth it. Not mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Not worth the toll it takes on my head and heart. I love my boyfriend, no one else.

Bad girl

April 26, 2007

My boyfriend thinks the two weeks of infidelity with the other guy, an emotional affair, does not constitute an affair. So men, affairs means getting physical, or does it?

I had been a bad girl. Ever since then, I believe I have had a couple more affairs. For me, affairs are defined as sharing private matters with another man that I don’t want my boyfriend to find out. Obsessing over this other man, thinking of him more than my boyfriend. That constitutes an affair for me. An emotional affair. Why do I do it? I think my boyfriend is meeting my needs fairly already. However, the bad girl in me sometimes seek the excitement outside of the comfort of his arms. I’m finding the praises of strange men sweet to the ears, the attention I get, they get to my head. I know the terrible effects having these affairs will do to my relationship with him. Why do I still do it? Any counselors out there?