New Love

I wrote him another email. Friendly one. And then I found out he’s started dating again. How nice. It didn’t feel like a stab in the heart. A little baffled though, considering his reason of leaving was because he couldn’t get over the ex. Exactly a year later….he has a new beau. Young and cute. Sigh, it’s so easy for guys isn’t it. To jump from one ship to another. Why do girls take forever to heal.

Happy Anniversary

Unbelievable…I missed the first year anniversary of this blog, by four days. Writing here, is like writing stuff I can’t really tell you in reality. Some things, are better left unsaid? I still continue bugging you once in a while with smses…I wonder what you felt about that. Do you appreciate the fate I still think of you, that I still keep you in my heart. Or do you find me irritating.

Recently, I sent him and sms, I told him I had chosen not to ever forget him. It is hard enough to struggle to forget, I might as well, decide not to, and just dwell in it, not letting it hurt me, just letting it be a sweet memory. I had not been known to be of good memory, a year after, I had really started to forget, it serves a distant memory, like when you dream of something and awake after that, and it’s hard to remember what the dream was about, coz it seemed so blurred and illogical?

I realised though, that happiness does not cause me to think of you. It is when I have an argument, when somebody let me down, that I wished I have you with me. I guess in my heart you had become the person that I would run to in times of sorrow. A year ago, I was in that shape. I was not sure where I was headed, basically just confused, when you appeared. The perfect opportunity to divert from my situation to something worse.

But this time this year, I have new found joy. We both made the right choice, to let it slide. One thing that I can hope, that you will be happy.

Intoxicated

I was intoxicated, and I thought I can be happy when I am, and forget you. But the more I became intoxicated, the more thoughts of you filled my head. I needed to get away, 11 months, 1 month more to a year. I missed you so badly.

Under the influence I sent you a message. I told you with all my heart how I had still been thinking of you all these while. You were pleasantly surprised, yet still managed to hurt me with your words.  You said,

“Thinking of old times? Sometimes me too…but guess it wasn’t meant to be yeah?”

Hurts, like a knife deep into my intoxicated heart.

The odd other woman

Why is it that when you’re obsessed with someone, you’re also obsessed with the woman that he likes more than you? As much as I’m obsessed with him, always wanting to check out where he’s at..what he’s up to and all in all ways I can…I’m also wanting to find out more about her. It’s funny as he’s not longer with her…yet just the fact that he left me because of her caused me to obsessively be attracted to know her more. I find myself sometimes not just searching for his name online, but also hers.

And alas the knife strucks deep everytime I look at her, how pretty she is. How different she is from me, and in some ways how similar. She and I happen to love the same thing…had once loved the same man. Physically sad to say, we’re total opposites. She’s a hot chick, I’m an average plain jane. Her online profile speaks popularity about her…mine? Is just pretentious…ah well…I am thankful for who I am…just why do I torture self by doing this?

If you only knew

Putting on a brave front is not as easy as I had perceived…just at the brink of freedom and restoration…but falling back almost willingly.

The scars of pain…deeper than the eyes can see…what’s healed is the skin that covers the wound…leaving a small scar you would probably not notice…but deep is the scar that you caused…the wounds so fresh it won’t close up…the wound beneath the skin.

If only you knew.

Your love so passionate it burns…the fire of that passion had eaten up my soul. I strive so hard to regain myself…where is the part of me that was before you…it seemed to have been swept away with the current that carried you off.

I surprise myself to find the effects of a few days could last so long. Just like an accident that happened within a few seconds could cause an eternity of suffering…surely this can’t be made with such a comparison.

Yet, what’s unseen can sometimes seems so much worse. Surely it is not. A lie that won’t get off my back.

If you only knew.

The memories of you just won’t let go. Should I see you to forget you…will seeing you let reality set in…let the truth set me free…let me not dwell anymore in memories of yesterday?

9 months

Nine months and a day…that would be about the time needed for a mother to nurture a baby in her womb, from an egg, breathed with life…to a living, crying baby… Nine months ago…you came…and went…

Yesterday I was checking out somebody’s blog…this girl that I read a lot…she just found out that the guy whom she finally found happiness in had broken her heart…had cheated on her that he was not attached…had cheated on his girlfriend with her… she walked out strong…but is obviously shattered… a girl heart can be so fragile.

It just reminded me so much of that feeling I once went through, the unexplainable pain of a broken heart. The way it makes you blind and want to be blind forever. The way it takes away your ability to make clear decisions, how it just takes away one’s wisdom, replacing it with pure foolishness for all the bystanders that watch.

She was lucky…she had friends who cared that understood and consoled her with all their heart, their might and souls. I was alone. All too alone. No one to share with but my faithful blog…I fear the condemnation…I asked for it…I was stupid.

How simple life flows past us…nine months… just passed…

Will this end

I’ve been thinking, I had started this blog just to write about my deepest cries in the heart that I can’t cry out to the world with a face. I think I might have just healed totally from the pain of the past. Wonder if I should keep this blog to remind me of the pain. The pain that I can’t feel anymore, hard as I may try. I am surprised at how speedy I had recovered. Less than  a year. I’m sure the other party had long forgotten. I used to have this longing to write to him, to know how he is. But now it’s like so distant, I can’t feel it anymore. Thinking of him doesn’t bring a smile nor a tear, it’s just feelingless already!

Yeay. it’s quite an accomplishment, a breakthrough, finally.

Great

Great it had been great. Occupied in the head and heart with importance…what’s not doesn’t seem to eat away at me for a while now.

hurt

why does it hurt so, when words are spoken, and no apologies. when feelings were thrown around, and no words of reconciliation, no sorry, no love, not forgiveness…how can it be, when people love for years, want to be together forever, yet, saying sorry is so hard? Where did it come from? Saying sorry can mend a broken heart sometimes, can take away that pain, a little hug, a little smile…where is it. Hurt, pain is all there still is. 

I was bold

I threw my dignity out the window and wrote him an email. It had been 5 months since my last email. It's just, when left alone in the quietness of the night, when the air is seem unmoving, thoughts of him always creep into my mind. And so I thought, what's wrong with dropping him an email for catching up's sake. We were supposed to be friends, not enemies. I realised there's no one in the world that I really don't want to talk to and don't want to ever meet, so why should I start with him. So, therefore, let me be the bold one to start the first conversation, regardless whether he likes it or not. I know that I am in a better position than him, I have someone to love and someone that loves me, but he is probably alone, lonely, working too hard for a blurred future. I hoped that my email would at least make him feel that life's not too hard on him.

Anyways, I wrote him the "hi how are you hope all is well" kind of email. He replied shortly after, updating me about the happenings of his life, I told him I was settling down soon, he seemed happy for me, I hope. He still seemed pretty much in depression, still wandering in the woods, in his own words, still hanging from branch to branch, searching for something strong to hold on to. He's such an opposite to the man I am going to marry. The man I am going to spend the rest of my life with, is a very self assured man, a man who has goals, and very sure of what he wants. As for my friend here, sometimes I just wonder where did all the gifts of his youth go to, where did all the passion go, where…it is  a sad thing? But yet not my business…I guess I can only try to be his friend, try to encourage and lift up his spirits.

I replied him back almost immediately, although I tried not to at first. It amazes even myself that the feelings of remorse, anger, confusion that swept over me earlier in the year, are already gone. I was writing to him like nothing ever happened before, like just another old time friend. I could not even remember the contents of the email I sent earlier in the year to which he never replied. I guess, this is what forgiving and forgetting is all about. I thank God for that, could never have done it alone.