Happy Anniversary

Unbelievable…I missed the first year anniversary of this blog, by four days. Writing here, is like writing stuff I can’t really tell you in reality. Some things, are better left unsaid? I still continue bugging you once in a while with smses…I wonder what you felt about that. Do you appreciate the fate I still think of you, that I still keep you in my heart. Or do you find me irritating.

Recently, I sent him and sms, I told him I had chosen not to ever forget him. It is hard enough to struggle to forget, I might as well, decide not to, and just dwell in it, not letting it hurt me, just letting it be a sweet memory. I had not been known to be of good memory, a year after, I had really started to forget, it serves a distant memory, like when you dream of something and awake after that, and it’s hard to remember what the dream was about, coz it seemed so blurred and illogical?

I realised though, that happiness does not cause me to think of you. It is when I have an argument, when somebody let me down, that I wished I have you with me. I guess in my heart you had become the person that I would run to in times of sorrow. A year ago, I was in that shape. I was not sure where I was headed, basically just confused, when you appeared. The perfect opportunity to divert from my situation to something worse.

But this time this year, I have new found joy. We both made the right choice, to let it slide. One thing that I can hope, that you will be happy.

9 months

Nine months and a day…that would be about the time needed for a mother to nurture a baby in her womb, from an egg, breathed with life…to a living, crying baby… Nine months ago…you came…and went…

Yesterday I was checking out somebody’s blog…this girl that I read a lot…she just found out that the guy whom she finally found happiness in had broken her heart…had cheated on her that he was not attached…had cheated on his girlfriend with her… she walked out strong…but is obviously shattered… a girl heart can be so fragile.

It just reminded me so much of that feeling I once went through, the unexplainable pain of a broken heart. The way it makes you blind and want to be blind forever. The way it takes away your ability to make clear decisions, how it just takes away one’s wisdom, replacing it with pure foolishness for all the bystanders that watch.

She was lucky…she had friends who cared that understood and consoled her with all their heart, their might and souls. I was alone. All too alone. No one to share with but my faithful blog…I fear the condemnation…I asked for it…I was stupid.

How simple life flows past us…nine months… just passed…

Major Childhood Crush #2

All along I believe I had a few other pretty unsignificant crushes. But there was this boy I still remembered to this day, because of an embarassing thing I did. I went to a tuition school, and there was this really cute boy from another class that I always notice. He was in the older kids class, and I actually never got to talk to him.

Once our class did a play and that other class was invited to come and see us act. I was playing the lead role, and my! I was totally freaked out! It was majorly embarassing…at this time, I think I was in Secondary 2? Memory is failing me…

Anyways, I was watching every move made by the boy so closely, that I even knew what car his dad came to fetch him in, I byhearted the plate number, I even knew where he stayed as I saw that car parked in a house on my way home, meaning his house was quite near to mine. Imagine all the funny things kids having crushes do! I even knew what number his house was, and then one day, I decided to write to him! I posted a letter to that house address with his name on it, upon gathering enough information about him. I can’t quite recall what I wrote…I definitely didn’t tell him I was in love with him or anything like that, but I think I just asked if we could be friends. I don’t think I even gave him a return address, but I did put my pseodonym, which to my horror later, my classmates knew what my pseodonym was!

So, a few days later, I began to hear rumours about that letter in school. Then, one of my friends decided to approach me to ask whether I was the girl who sent that letter. I actually acted blur and told them I don’t know what they were talking about. I told them maybe someone was using my name. They probably believed me as they didn’t I knew who that boy was anyways.

The boy never replied my mail or made any moves. I think I didn’t dare to look at him after that embarassing letter!

Childhood crush #1

Everyone had childhood crushes rite? I had my fair share of them…I remember my first childhood crush was when I was only in Primary 3. I liked the school’s most popular boy then (how typical). He was 2 years older. I never got to know him further than stealing glances at him whenever possible. I also never had the guts to do anything drastic like approaching him or writing him a letter.

He was really cute then…I would daydream about him all day and night. I learned that, it was an age too young to judge the kind of guy you really want. As many years later, when I saw him again, he was far from cute..Hhm I wonder what happened.

Finally over

It is finally over. I wrote him a long letter today, just felt I needed to tell him what actually went wrong. It is going to take some time for me to forget him. Today was a totally moody day. In fact many times I was on the verge of breaking down, the floodgates of my tear duds had to be surpressed. Once again, I felt helpless, although I felt a burden lifted. Finally I wasn’t living a lie to myself, but yet deep inside, I didn’t feel like living. Wishing I could find a shorter escape route, how a coward would do. But I am not a coward. So I will face up to the consequences of my own actions. It’s just, there’s such a pain, not so much in losing a lover, but more for losing a friend, I wish and wish again, if only I had kept my feelings to myself. At least then, I still have a friend.

Another desperate attempt

Yes, for a couple of days now, I have been scolding myself for being stupid. How can i invest my heart into this without thinking? I had been telling myself over and over again, just forget him. Get over with it! He’s not serious, neither are you. I knew from the beginning that if I started playing this game, I’m the one on the losing end. Yet, he told me, it’s a gamble, but it’s worth it. Is it really?

It was another night of me waiting, wondering…I now only hear from him once a day. I really want to contact him as well, but my ego is stopping me. I don’t want to make him feel obligated to contact me back whenever I contact him. yea it’s got to be stopped.

 

So now actually, I don’t know how to proceed. I wrote him a letter, about how we should just move on. Yet I can’t send it to him. Although I know it’s hopeless, yet there’s the tiny hope inside…do you know? It is just weird. I guess I am secretly hoping he’s the one that will end it. That maybe he will leave again, and never return. That’d be hurtful but good.

 

 

 

Why bother?

I think I’m giving up. I think I’m thinking more of him than he of me. How can he say he’s falling for me, when he doesn’t initiate anything, he focus only on his work. I find myself waiting by the phone every night, but he doesn’t call. He may call only if I ask him to. I don’t think that’s how a man that’s falling for a girl would act. I think, I will let this go, it’s only a week plus, and the feelings are already gone. It speaks volumes to me about what I already know, it’s not about feelings.

Obssession

It feels like obssession. The more I know, the more I want to know. I think I now know more of him than he of me, yet it is still not enough. Even after much we’ve talked about, still I can’t tell him of certain things, I did not dare ask certain things. Maybe because I am unsure of myself and what I may be capable of. What if i can’t live up to my words? Have you ever felt that kind of obssession with someone? That you wish you can talk 24 hours a day. An hour a day hardly seems enough.

Memories of yesteryears

Last week was unreal. We met again. This time in cyberspace. Somehow, we got talking like it was yesterday. The more than a decade without communication did not become a block. With most people, it would have been. It would have been really awkward. We chatted a while, then past midnite, then way into the early morning. So much was brought up, and most amazingly, we actually confessed our feelings for each other, feelings we never told before. I was actually just telling him that the fact that I missed him those times he disappeared. Unknowingly, he started telling how he felt of the possibilities and stuff.

 

Anyways, throughout the week, we started talking on the phone, we talked for nearly an hour for the first few days. I keep questioning myself, how can this be real, and whether this feeling would disappear soon. After all, I didn’t think I could give up my life here, a good life I had been so blessed with without him all these while.

 

At certain points of our conversation, I did feel maybe I don’t know him like I used to anymore, he’s definitely not the same person as ten years ago, I know I’m not. He’s definitely changed. Can I still like him? Yet, I feel happy just talking to him, happy just thinking of him. I thought of him like from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. For one week, I live in a blur, in deception to myself, in deception to the people around me. What have I done?

My heartcry

Dear Heartcry,

I’m writing to you to tell you the story of my heart, a story I can only share with you alone. My heart right now is torn between two, is crying out, is longing for the answer. What do I do?

What happened recently was nothing I had imagined. The story dates back, many years ago, something like more than 10 years ago.

I once knew this boy, we never met though. I think those times were the era of having pen pals and all. I remembered I went to a tuition school where we were encouraged to join this penpal programme and write to people our age from different countries. It was supposed to not just encourage our writing skills, but also a sort of culture exchange. We were all really into it. I had many close penpals then, there was girl from Japan, another from Sweden. We exchanged letters, gifts, photos, our thoughts etc. I had this friendship with these two girls that carried on into our teenage years. However, somehow it didn’t continue further due to personal commitments, we just drifted and stopped communication. In those days of course, there weren’t any email technology like we have today. Worse of all, no blogs.

Anyways, I moved on to another penpal programme, this time I kinda advertised myself in an entertainment magazine. Many people were doing it then. Of course, I received so many letters, people wanting to be friends and all. I tried to reply all, but eventually it will be filtered down to those that I can really click with. There was one boy, we didn’t write very often, but when we do, we really hit it off. There was so much we write about, almost like our souls were connected. I remember I always longed to receive his mail, I get really excited when I do. We exchanged pics, cards, pressies, stuff. It was fun while it lasted. Sometimes he would call, and we would chat like good friends. It was silly, but at that time, I thought maybe we were meant for each other, and yet all the while we never met up. I also never told him my feelings, I was afraid he would freak out and stopped writing. So for many years, we continued on writing and sharing our dreams and life’s philosophies.

However one fine day, he stopped writing. It seemed he had moved on to another land to further his tertiary studies. I was really sad at the time, I thought maybe I would never see him again. When I also went off to another place to study, we did write emails once or twice. Can’t remember now. For a long time, I missed this guy a lot. However, about a decade passed, and I moved on. I met so many new friends along the way, things changed in my life. I was even blessed with a great boyfriend, someone who really cared and loved me.