Memories…

A few weeks ago, I started to have relapsing memories of him, the soulmate of 11 years ago. The one who caused me to start this blog 3 years ago when he came back into my life. After a hurtful 2 weeks with him, and then years of healing, I could say I was finally healed and really stopped thinking of him this year. In fact, this year was the only time I actually forgot even his birthday. For the last couple of years, I went to sleep sometimes just thinking of him. Thinking of all the past hurts and words that were exchanged. So, I believe I truly managed to forget him this year. I was actually happy and thinking of him didn’t bring pain to my heart. Well, the last couple of weeks, I was just thinking of him again, but the feeling wasn’t there anymore. It was like a distant memory, a distant dream. Give me another 10 years, I will probably forget everything.

However, last Wednesday we spoke again, online. This was the first time we spoke since the last time which was a year ago already. I guess now we only catch up as friends once a year. As accessible as the internet is, it doesn’t really cause people to communicate more regularly, instead it’s the reverse. Those days of snail mail, we used to write so much more often.

So we talked, we still click like we used to. I am more careful this time to remain as casual as possible and not to bring up the past. Indulging in past feelings isn’t going to help. So we just talk about the things we are doing now and all that. Amazingly just casual talk and chat can take up nearly 2 hours. I am satisfied with the way things are now. What’s wrong with just remaining casual talk once a year friend. The rest of the year we can put each other aside and don’t need to dwell in forgotten past.

Like I mentioned before, I have so many crushes on so many men, it is just normal to have that right. But with this man, I will always love him, unconditionally, with no expectations of anything in return. It’s just that whenever I do think of him, I realise I still love him. Like a name crafted and engraved in my heart, over the years it may be covered by layers of skin and cell, but it will always be there. It cannot be removed much as I want to. No matter what he has done, I can always find in my heart to forgive him, to continue to love him. Doesn’t matter if he’s aged, changed, forgotten me even, I can never forget him. Doesn’t matter if I can love and live with someone else, my heart doesn’t lie to me. I will always love you.