Sure nice talking to you

Sure nice talking to you…you still strike my heart.

We’re talking like nothing happened yesterday. Although you try to be upbeat, you try to joke around today, somehow, I can sense your sadness. Something is depressing. Sometimes it’s better not to know how you feel, cause it makes me feel the same

Feel

I feel what you feel, I cannot help but breathe the air that carries the winds of melancholy, the air you sigh in. Even a thousand miles away, my heart cries at every sadness in your heart. I just want you to be happy. That’s the only way I know how to love…to cry with you when you cry, to laugh with you when you laugh, to just be there, knowing your every trial, every victory, every brokenness, every hope.

Doing this, without your even knowing it, wouldn’t matter to you. I know for a long time, I am no more the one in your heart. Sure, sometimes a small part of me wishes otherwise. Did you leave because you love me, because you know you will hurt me, because you don’t want to disappoint me again? Did you do it out of selfish reasons, or is it true love? Is true love about letting go, as long as he is happy.

When you let me go, you did make me happy. I am now happy, a state I probably cannot achieve even if I was in your arms. Being with you can only bring hurt, heartache, confusion, melancholy. I am now happy, but I wish you can be the same. Only when you are, can I really then, be completely happy. How can my soul rejoice, when yours agonizes?

You’re in my every prayer. Know that He will take care of you, to be your hope in these times of depression.

Memories…

A few weeks ago, I started to have relapsing memories of him, the soulmate of 11 years ago. The one who caused me to start this blog 3 years ago when he came back into my life. After a hurtful 2 weeks with him, and then years of healing, I could say I was finally healed and really stopped thinking of him this year. In fact, this year was the only time I actually forgot even his birthday. For the last couple of years, I went to sleep sometimes just thinking of him. Thinking of all the past hurts and words that were exchanged. So, I believe I truly managed to forget him this year. I was actually happy and thinking of him didn’t bring pain to my heart. Well, the last couple of weeks, I was just thinking of him again, but the feeling wasn’t there anymore. It was like a distant memory, a distant dream. Give me another 10 years, I will probably forget everything.

However, last Wednesday we spoke again, online. This was the first time we spoke since the last time which was a year ago already. I guess now we only catch up as friends once a year. As accessible as the internet is, it doesn’t really cause people to communicate more regularly, instead it’s the reverse. Those days of snail mail, we used to write so much more often.

So we talked, we still click like we used to. I am more careful this time to remain as casual as possible and not to bring up the past. Indulging in past feelings isn’t going to help. So we just talk about the things we are doing now and all that. Amazingly just casual talk and chat can take up nearly 2 hours. I am satisfied with the way things are now. What’s wrong with just remaining casual talk once a year friend. The rest of the year we can put each other aside and don’t need to dwell in forgotten past.

Like I mentioned before, I have so many crushes on so many men, it is just normal to have that right. But with this man, I will always love him, unconditionally, with no expectations of anything in return. It’s just that whenever I do think of him, I realise I still love him. Like a name crafted and engraved in my heart, over the years it may be covered by layers of skin and cell, but it will always be there. It cannot be removed much as I want to. No matter what he has done, I can always find in my heart to forgive him, to continue to love him. Doesn’t matter if he’s aged, changed, forgotten me even, I can never forget him. Doesn’t matter if I can love and live with someone else, my heart doesn’t lie to me. I will always love you.