hurt

why does it hurt so, when words are spoken, and no apologies. when feelings were thrown around, and no words of reconciliation, no sorry, no love, not forgiveness…how can it be, when people love for years, want to be together forever, yet, saying sorry is so hard? Where did it come from? Saying sorry can mend a broken heart sometimes, can take away that pain, a little hug, a little smile…where is it. Hurt, pain is all there still is. 

I was bold

I threw my dignity out the window and wrote him an email. It had been 5 months since my last email. It's just, when left alone in the quietness of the night, when the air is seem unmoving, thoughts of him always creep into my mind. And so I thought, what's wrong with dropping him an email for catching up's sake. We were supposed to be friends, not enemies. I realised there's no one in the world that I really don't want to talk to and don't want to ever meet, so why should I start with him. So, therefore, let me be the bold one to start the first conversation, regardless whether he likes it or not. I know that I am in a better position than him, I have someone to love and someone that loves me, but he is probably alone, lonely, working too hard for a blurred future. I hoped that my email would at least make him feel that life's not too hard on him.

Anyways, I wrote him the "hi how are you hope all is well" kind of email. He replied shortly after, updating me about the happenings of his life, I told him I was settling down soon, he seemed happy for me, I hope. He still seemed pretty much in depression, still wandering in the woods, in his own words, still hanging from branch to branch, searching for something strong to hold on to. He's such an opposite to the man I am going to marry. The man I am going to spend the rest of my life with, is a very self assured man, a man who has goals, and very sure of what he wants. As for my friend here, sometimes I just wonder where did all the gifts of his youth go to, where did all the passion go, where…it is  a sad thing? But yet not my business…I guess I can only try to be his friend, try to encourage and lift up his spirits.

I replied him back almost immediately, although I tried not to at first. It amazes even myself that the feelings of remorse, anger, confusion that swept over me earlier in the year, are already gone. I was writing to him like nothing ever happened before, like just another old time friend. I could not even remember the contents of the email I sent earlier in the year to which he never replied. I guess, this is what forgiving and forgetting is all about. I thank God for that, could never have done it alone.