Dreamer

Dreamed of him last night. Not him directly, but in my dream, I was on
some sort of cruise ship. Then as I was walking around, I found letters
lying around addressed to me, from him. The funny thing was the letters
were predated, dating back to 2001. That was exactly 5 years ago since
we lost contact? I even found a parcel, a square box. I didn't have the
time to read the letters in my dream…I wonder am I dying to get his
letters that I dreamed something like that?

Feels so much like picking up the phone and dialing his number just to
hear his voice again. The only thing that stops me is, I've deleted his
number, remember? That was a good step. I still have it in chat history
on my computer, but that's not so easily accessible…

And then I remembered your words,

"I thought about so many things about life today, and what our first
words will be when we meet. It almost drove me off the edge. I want to
feel and touch u for real."

Please tell me you lied, because truth hurts, like a sword constantly
placed on my neck. I am reminded again and again, that even as my body
lives, my heart is not beating the normal beat. Who can revive
it…once again, once again…

Back in the loop

It's really not so easy to get over somebody as I had thought. These
few nites had been sleeplessly recalling the memories of yesterday.
It's starting to affect my relationship, as I begin get stressed over
it, should I tell my partner that I had once strayed? That I nearly
gave us up for another? I can't imagine how he would react, for him I
am positively his one and only and he surely thinks he is to me. But my
heart is split many times over who it should go to.

 

My last crush surprised me today with a gift. It was totally unexpected as
there was no special occasion….I was so touched by his small gesture,
but also confused as to what he means. Nevertheless, I want to consider
it a gesture of a good friend and nothing more, I am sure this will be
his answer.

 

So now what can I do to forget my past?
Confess or keep quiet? What helps? I've cut off all ties till there's
no more I cut…

Another one

It was funny. Over the weekend, I was in contact with this guy, Mr E over some things we were organising. He first called me and the first impression was, nice voice. Then later I met him. Wasn’t exactly the typical good looks. But somehow I find myself thinking about him constantly after. Anybody had ever had these funny feelings for people you just meet for utterly no reason? I increasingly found him to be totally fascinating somehow.

That aside, I also found myself thinking about the soulmate for the last couple of nites. Simply wondering what he’s up to now, if he had found happiness elsewhere. His words of many months ago still ringing in my ears, “If I could do it all over again, I would do the same falling for you…”

Oh well, what’s past is past, and I’m looking forward to a great future ahead. Been making lifechanging plans and stepping forward. Let not the past be a hindrance, but a memory that serves smiles in the old days.

What I want to say to you

No matter how bleak things looked, know that there is always hope ahead. No matter  what happens tomorrow, know that today is a gift and use it the best you can. No matter how  insigficant you feel, know that you are special to someone’s eyes.  No matter how great yesterday was, know that tomorrow will be better. No matter how life seems to fade, know and believe you live for a purpose…No matter the road you are treading now, know your destiny awaits you. No matter how far we seem, know that my heart has never left you. No matter where we will be tomorrow, remember that once  we had been together. No matter how hard it is, know that I will be praying for you. No matter what happens, I can never forget you…

Sick and sad

I’ve fallen sick yet again,  all because I went in the rain.

And today, I feel sad. I felt sad because he is sad. Yes once again I heard news from him, not directly, but from another source. He had been crying…as somebody close to him is sick and suffering…as much as I had detached myself from him emotionally, I can’t help feeling, sad…wishing someone can be there to be his comfort. To put an arm around him, to lend him a shoulder to cry on. I can’t be that person, I won’t. But I do hope someone else can.

It is a funny thought, but sometimes I think, and feels, even without any communication with him, as if, our souls still talk to each other.

Funny feeling

So we went out on a group gathering with my last crush, let’s call him Mr X. The same guy I mentioned earlier that we are now friends. Anyways, we all went out with my partner and he with his and some other friends. I never really talked to his partner, it was weird, coz I find myself constantly stealing glances at her, just wanting to know what he sees in her. She’s considerably pretty, not exactly the regular babe…

So the thing was, I had been thinking much about him…somehow he appears in my thoughts. It was mostly platonic thoughts, but I can’t help feeling we are more than just friends. It is like he tells me very personal things, and we share certain vibes. Unexplainable…and the whole nite, I can’t help as well feeling like he wants to get close. Sometimes brushing his arms against mine, purposely walking next to me, he speaks to me in a different tone…softer, somehow…or it could all be my imagination…

Once he told me he missed me a lot…I wonder why sometimes he says such things…

My last crush

The last serious crush I had was probably 4 years ago. I was then already in a relationship…but then I saw this guy. It was hhm possibly those butterflies at first sight kind of thing. He was just gorgeous in my eyes. He was a friend of a friend that I met at church…I never got the chance to talk to him then. But I would stare at him continuously when I thought he wasn’t looking. I think a few times he caught me stealing glances at him, and once he even came over to shake my hand.

I was pretty obssessed with him then, secretly of course. Some extreme things I did was, I looked up stuffs about him online, I tried to find out ways to contact him anonymously, in fact I wrote to him that I had a crush on him. Of course, he completely shunned me.. he hated secret admirers I guess. I never revealed to him who I was, coz it was an impossible venture. I even kept his pics and stare at them in my own alone time, I dream about him all the time. In my dreams, he was always my lover. It was lovely..

One day somehow, we became friends. It was amazing how things happened one after another, we were put together to opportunistic situations. It’s been many years now and we remain good friends. I don’t have that crush feelings anymore for him, however I am feeling there’s always a wall with him. I feel like if the wall comes down, I may want to grab him. But as close as we are now, I always remain a distance from him, always keeping my cool, never showing my other side of emotions. I would not want to do what I did to the other guy that made things all go wrong. Anyone has a similar story, did you remain friends with an old crush?

Knowing the now him

I realise I love him, in the past. I love him 7 years ago…but time changes people. I know the current better now, and I am beginning to realise, I don’t like him at all. I don’t like the way he speaks, the vocabulary he uses, his priorities, his workaholism, his attitude, his depression, his hopelessness. I don’t like all of it. I felt like love was blind, and now I am healed of blindness, that I begin to see how incompatible he would have been for me.

I really am so grateful I did not sacrifice everything to make things work out with him…upon this realisation, I think I’ve truly let go.

So now, what else would I want to blog about here? How things would go with my current relationship. I love my current relationship, I love him. He’s the kind of person that I share my life with forever. I am glad and satisfied. This is my true love.