Interesting

It’s not often that you meet someone interesting and just click. I met such a guy online once, some time ago. I’ve chatted to so many after that, but it’s the usual crap talk. No clicking at all. So what makes people click? It is pretty unexplainable.

I looked forward to speaking to that guy again, but never did. When you click with someone, it feels effortless to converse. Like there’s so much to say. Wish there’s more interesting people to speak to…

Love Dreams

Have you ever had those dreams in which you fall in love with someone? I had one of those dreams last night. I was with this guy that I know in real life, but I don’t fancy him in any way in reality. But in the dream, I had butterflies for him.

I dreamed as he held my hand as we walked across the street, and then he won’t let my hand go. It was those nice feelings you get when holding hands with someone for the first time.

And then, we were spending time leaning close to each other. And then in an emergency situation, he turned and hugged me. It was the nicest warmest hugs. And then of course, I woke up. I was just wondering, since I never thought of this guy, why did he crept into my dream. It was weird.

So I did it…

Yes I did it…I took a big bold step to cutting it clean. Having talked about it earlier, I had made not attempts until recently. I actually deleted his contact from my phone. That means I will never be tempted to message him again, sending him love notes even though there is no reply. The last time he messaged me was more than a month ago, and many messages from my side to his. I began to wonder if he could have cut off his line, or just plain irritated by me. Can one who once loved now feel disgust?

And so, I did not want to be that desperate disgusting freak, so I decided not to do it anymore..hanging on that thin thread, with no one on the other end holding on to it, forever falling into the deeper abyss, not knowing how far more to the landing. That was me…but I will not be that pathetic soul. I strive to change, to have my own goals. To have a life, without the pains.

Meanwhile, I must add, my life is not the same as before. Seemed to have lost a part of my soul, seemed to have let it flew out the window, seemed to forever not believe in forever, seemed like an ending to the beginning…

Our first Vday

The first time… was it forever? The first and the last…

Happy Valentine

Dearest,

I long to say to you, Happy Valentines. To give you the best gift I can afford. To ask you what you need right now, your dreams, your goals. To just spend time listening to you as you tell me about your day, your frustrations, your hopes, your passion, your desires, your favourite shows, your friends. To laugh when you laugh, to console when you’re in pain, to care when you needed a friend.

I wish to put a smile on your lips when I call you dear, to melt your heart when I say I miss you. To give you butterflies once again, to make you feel like you’re falling. To have our souls connect again, to be crazy like there’s no tomorrow, to be unreal, to be in a world where there’s only you and me…to hear your voice as you say goodnite, sweetdreams, take care…

Happy Valentines dearest…missing you forever…

Back to Reality

Hey world. I’m back to reality…I seriously believe I have forgotten it all. That’s fast for my record. Anyways, as I was leaving my hometown, I was contemplating whether or not to bring the letters with me. In the end I did not bring it. I guess that means no more rewriting the letters project up here. He has also not replied. He must think I’m crazy eh. Anyways, I realised that I don’t quite care anymore. And I’ve also decided to commit my life and my thoughts to another person.

For those who worried why I haven’t posted for a while. Don’t worry, it wasn’t because I was too depressed. I was simply having too much fun, hanging out with friends and family and people that I truly care for.

What’s going on in there?

I’m writing this because I can’t sleep. I have a million thoughts in my head, but it’s way past midnite. Here I am in this dark room, the sound of rain softly falling on the window panes. In about 6 hours I have to be up. But my eyes once closed sees too many images…images of my future to images of him…I don’t understand. I do not think I had taken too much coffee today. Not that it would keep me awake. At this moment I wish I have a sleeping pill….

Too near to see

As I wait for the reply from him, I begin to wonder if what I did was right, asking back for the letters. What am I trying to achieve I wonder. I know that I really want to forget him, and I seem to be succeeding, It is true that I continuously think of him every waking moment even now, but the feelings for him has become distant. It has become like something so far away that I can hardly feel it anymore. Though the thoughts remain, but I don’t get it. I ask myself why, is it because I’ve truly forgotten him already? I’ve lost even all desires to see him…and find it totally unimaginable why I liked him anymore.

Furthermore, I had spent more than a week away from my bf. And yes I am beginning to miss him. I miss just spending time with him, the security of his love. I miss even the touch of his hand, his hugs and kisses. I guess I had taken him for granted. All these had been a test of my faithfulness? I am glad to say I believe I passed the test.

If I had to make the choice again today, I would make the same choice, I would choose my bf, the one who really loves me. I had for a while lost my mind to think that the first love is the soulmate. My soulmate is right next to me, and I couldn’t see. Somebody said, sometimes we want to see the things that’s far away from us, and we couldn’t see the one that’s right next to us. How true is that…I had been blind and now I see.

First love

I saw this movie recently. It was a story about a man and a woman who were each other’s first love at 17. Due to parents’ disapproval of their being together and social status, they were forced to part. Fate were on their side when they met again 7 years later and as first love goes, fell madly in love again. The story had them married and had many kids. I love the story, it was so romantic and definitely something out of the fairy tales. But I wondered, what are the odds of it ever happening in real life. Is it true that first loves never die, and can two people ever be still madly in love after all those years. Even worse, your first love’s first love may not be you, as in my case. I have never forgotten my first love, neither has he forgotten me, but as time has told, he e has never loved me at all. I am about to marry a man who is not my first love, and neither am I his. He has told me of the woman he first loved, but she is married now. She has never loved him either. Sometimes I feel in his fantasy, he wished he could be with his first love, just as I wish I can be with mine. But this is how reality goes. What is a marriage, but a partnership of two persons to be each other’s company for life. I like his company as he likes mine. Simple as that…it is not romantic, but that’s life. So do we lead another life, a life that’s in the dreams? I guess if I ever lead a real life with my first love, it will not be as romantic as I dreamed of.