Thinking of cutting it clean

After days of much depression and deep thoughts, I got talking to a friend, a pretty experienced guy, who adviced me to cut it clean with him else I’d not have a happy future and all. I guess I agree with him, just now it’s so hard to think about doing it as well. But I actually feel so much better today than earlier. I just emailed him. I asked him if I could get all my letters back. Still awaiting the reply. Might take a few days. I wanted to post his letters and my letters right here on this blog. Sounds like a fun project, no?

Anyways, Missionx adviced me to go out and party with girlfriends like she did, unfortunately I don’t have any close girlfriends that I can even share this with. What more to say I think my story is so pathetic I am ashamed to tell the world! I am still surprised there are also people like me out there. Hhm. Furthermore, I don’t think there are interesting guys out there I would like to make out with at the moment. It’s a different culture here really.
Anyways, if he is willing to send me back the letters, I will then cut it clean with him. I don’t really know how to do that, besides just deleting his emails and phone number, I’m afraid it would be too harsh to tell him to do the same? After all I was the one that wanted to continue the seemingly non existent friendship. I’m beginning to feel letting go is not so bad after all. It’s getting easier to do, especially when I’m gaining more of other friends, even around the world. It would be silly to hang on to an old friend who doesn’t want to keep the other side of the rope any longer.

Potion to forget your true love

Intoxicated…that’s what I’m feeling…People say alcohol makes you forget things. It didn’t do it for me. Even when I lost my senses, my heart still beats for you. Even when I can’t stand up, my soul still searches for yours, are you ever crying out for me? How can I forget, the times you said I am your best friend, you said no matter what, it is forever. That at your lowest times, you thought of me, who had always been by your side. But now you have replaced these thoughts with another…you gave your heart to her, and destroyed mine.

I saw a movie where the girl who loves her husband so much, was given a potion to forget him so he can marry another. Can some chemist make me that potion? Can I drink until I lost my memory…can I?

Should I take it back?

This thought had been on my mind this couple of days, after reading all his old letters. I feel like asking him for all my letters to him. I can’t remember what I wrote to him before, it seemed from his letters that I had been scolding him and always disappointed at his lack of replies. I feel like taking it back so I can match the puzzle of what I wrote, whatever that is for…what do you think? Should I do that? I’m actually quite not sober now as I type this…my head is spinning and drifting off…and yet even in drunken stupor, I can’t stop thinking of him! So stupid! Somebody please show me the way out of this trap!

I thought maybe if I can get all the letters back, he’d know I’m serious about forgetting him for good, and never do a repeat ten years down the road. I must be seriously crazy to even like him in the first place. It was probably the words he used, the humour the got me caught, coupled with my naivety. I hope no young girl ever fall for such men in their lives ever! Don’t be like me…I am plain stupid and headed for destruction…

Oh my gosh, can somebody help me? I so feel like hearing his voice right now…I’m missing him like crazy!!!

I want to forget

I finally got the chance to return to the home where I grew up in. Even as I was being driven from the airport, memories of yesteryears came flooding back. It used to be exciting to be back, somehow this time, there’s many problems and depressive thoughts in my mind.

As soon as I reached home, the first thing I did was to search out the letters. I took out my boxes and boxes of letters from old friends long gone, none of which really mattered. Except for the ones from him. I could only think of him these couple of days. It is eating my mind away. Today, as I sat there, pouring through each letter once again, I was pretty overcame by my emotions, a mixed emotion of sadness, depression, anger, love, gratitude. Mostly anger I think…I realised that as I read through the letters, that most of them were letters of apologies. Apologies for not writing, excuses for being late, I began to remember that he did not come in and out of my life just once, or twice, but many many times. And everytime it is because he was lonely, just broke off with someone, in a dilemma or something. I can’t help but feel used. Was I only thought of in times of need? In his letters were filled with promises, proven empty now. Sweet stuff like friends forever, and all that crap. As I read them, I wish I never believed in them. The amount of hurt he caused then, I thought I had forgotten. In fact, I truly did forget him, for about 8 years he ceased to exist in my life. And yet now, I find myself back in the cycle. Trying to bury memories of him all over again. I kinda blamed myself, but yet I know I should blame him. I eel like I was in a abusive relationship, not physical abuse but more of mental and emotional abuse. How long more before I can forget again, how long more?

I am so tired. Not one night can I sleep in peace without tears in my eyes. Guess I am in the intersection of Stage 1 and 2. Feels like a loser….so many thoughts running through my mind right now. How can I be happy go lucky again…I miss my old self.

3 Stages to healing a broken heart

You said , “U know u always have been kept safe, in a special place in my heart. No one’s been there except u. Only you give me this kinda feeling. Never in so deep as with you.” I told you it’s just a passing feeling….that it’s crazy. That it’s not real. But you said, “With you doesnt’ matter its dream or reality. We can walk to the end of this world and try to search further. But today I learn I will fail. And come back to where I belong. You.”

I was not convinced still…I wanted to know how sure you are. But you went on convincingly, saying, ” Its a crazy night, but I know its worth every shot I’ve got.” I didn’t want it to hurt the friendship, so I asked the mandatory question, what about the friendship? But again you convinced me to step into the boat you were driving. You said, “Soulmates? You can’t break them right? I care for u very much. Am not letting u go this easy either. I never forgot you. Never could have. And I’m sorry for all the pain I caused u.”

And then you went on to say the things that got me caught in your web, a web I later learned, wasn’t based on truth. You said, “.I’m falling…..for u once more…” For days your words were nothing but trying to assure me that it’d work…and I kept falling…into those deceptive words once more…how I can be more foolish…May you never get away with it again.

I am at that second stage of breakup, I believe. Hey, two weeks of love and then break is still a breakup ok. Do you know that there are 3 stages? Ok, in the first stage, a person that has been dumped will feel helpless, hopeless, suicidal even. The person will cry and possibly get stuck to the wet pillow and the bed. Not wanting to move on, not wanting to change. It is really the most painful stage, and even the most painful for any person to go through. It may not last very long, maybe up to a week or two, for some shorter and for some longer. When that stage is over, you have finally graduated to stage 2, where you just stop crying already.

At this stage, it can be called the angry stage. You finally realised, you were being used, cheated, lied to about true love. You had thought there is such a thing as happy ever after with that particular person, but it just didn’t work out, especially when it’s the other person that didn’t want to put any work into making a success, or in my case, when that person never really love you like he said he did. He wanted to be loved, and selfishly encourage you into his trap. This is the stage you know you’re not hanging on anymore. You may even want to get fair and square with this person. You’re no more whiny, no more calling him or messaging him secretly, no more wanting any part in that person’s life. Good then you’re ready to move on.

In the 3rd stage, it is called the Couldn’t care less stage. You know you are at this stage, when one day you wake up, and you’re like, wtf! Why did I even like that freak in the first place. Scales begin to fall off from your eyes and you finally realise, he’s not really the prince charming you thought he was. You realise you really don’t care what he’s doing with his life or whatsoever, you’re finally living your life for yourself. In fact, at this stage, you’ve possibly forgotten much about him, not even his birthdate or his surname. You’re ready to go out again without any fear of being hurt or anything like. At this stage, I will say congratulations to myself! You’ve passed the breakup trial! Ok there could be more stages if you follow some breakup healing gurus, but I only need 3!

Major Childhood Crush #2

All along I believe I had a few other pretty unsignificant crushes. But there was this boy I still remembered to this day, because of an embarassing thing I did. I went to a tuition school, and there was this really cute boy from another class that I always notice. He was in the older kids class, and I actually never got to talk to him.

Once our class did a play and that other class was invited to come and see us act. I was playing the lead role, and my! I was totally freaked out! It was majorly embarassing…at this time, I think I was in Secondary 2? Memory is failing me…

Anyways, I was watching every move made by the boy so closely, that I even knew what car his dad came to fetch him in, I byhearted the plate number, I even knew where he stayed as I saw that car parked in a house on my way home, meaning his house was quite near to mine. Imagine all the funny things kids having crushes do! I even knew what number his house was, and then one day, I decided to write to him! I posted a letter to that house address with his name on it, upon gathering enough information about him. I can’t quite recall what I wrote…I definitely didn’t tell him I was in love with him or anything like that, but I think I just asked if we could be friends. I don’t think I even gave him a return address, but I did put my pseodonym, which to my horror later, my classmates knew what my pseodonym was!

So, a few days later, I began to hear rumours about that letter in school. Then, one of my friends decided to approach me to ask whether I was the girl who sent that letter. I actually acted blur and told them I don’t know what they were talking about. I told them maybe someone was using my name. They probably believed me as they didn’t I knew who that boy was anyways.

The boy never replied my mail or made any moves. I think I didn’t dare to look at him after that embarassing letter!

Childhood crush #1

Everyone had childhood crushes rite? I had my fair share of them…I remember my first childhood crush was when I was only in Primary 3. I liked the school’s most popular boy then (how typical). He was 2 years older. I never got to know him further than stealing glances at him whenever possible. I also never had the guts to do anything drastic like approaching him or writing him a letter.

He was really cute then…I would daydream about him all day and night. I learned that, it was an age too young to judge the kind of guy you really want. As many years later, when I saw him again, he was far from cute..Hhm I wonder what happened.

Can we have multiple feelings?

I think I’m not the same person I was last year…early last year. I didn’t use to have many friends, not many I enjoyed hanging out with…I’m really so glad for the friends I have today, the kind of people when you hang out with them, you can laugh and joke, you can talk serious stuff, and at the same time consult when you have problems. People you can simply trust..I am just so appreciative of them…I’m actually really happy because I feel appreciated as well…because life is not meaningless. Hhm I don’t know. I wonder if we can have multiple feelings, to feel happy and sad and the same time. I think I kind of feel like that right now. It is because of that guy. I kind of wish I can talk some more to that ’sex maniac’, as he kind of cured me of thinking of that guy for a while…sigh…why do I miss him…

I found myself reading and rereading his last email last night, just as I was lying in bed. Reading it again still bring a sharp feeling to my heart…I seriously thought 2 months was more than enough to get over it. It was like the first time he broke my heart many years ago, a little bit of denial and a small sparkle of hope. I remembered sitting in my room, bringing out the shoebox of all his letters, pouring through each one of them…up to the day I forgot about him…which was a few years later. Would it take a few more years again? It’s just like a soap opera. I would be the stupid girl the viewers would scorn at, the one that hung on and won’t let go, and fool who thought there was a something called soulmate and true love. I do like to be in this position…it’s possibly stumbling my growth.

Looks like he has let go…I secretly read his blog as well. The things he writes are sometimes so deep…but looks like he has let go. It’s hard to keep all these to myself, yet telling my problems to my friends, I am afraid to be judged. Yea, feel stupid. I know at least one person who reads my blog, that’s nullbit, another anonymous blogger. Thanks mate. Your advice really helps sometimes.

So at the moment, I guess I am still hanging to the ends of the rope. Wanting to jump down to stream awaiting below that would take me to a greener land, yet wondering what’s at the top. It’s lonely, when you’re hanging…

What kind of guy talk about sex?

The weirdest conversation took place the other day. I was on chat, and a stranger came by and we started talking. He was kind of intriguing…unlike how some strangers that just want to have a cheap talk. So we got chatting for hours, and we talked about our interests…and he just seemed really interesting…he was from my country, but now working in a land far away. like 8 hours difference kind of thing…

Suddenly he said he was tired of typing, and wanted to talk. I didn’t have audio chatting, and well, I never really tried audio chatting before. I sometimes preferred just typing as I think I can express myself better. And furthermore, he’s a stranger!

However he was pretty persistent and asked for my number…well actually in a pretty polite manner. I was surprised he wanted to call, since it would definitely not be cheap. But he was like, it’s ok if you’re uncomfortable and stuff. So, as I was alone and bored, I thought why not…the only other guy that I never met that I had conversations on the phone with was you know, that other guy…still in my heart, but pretty much buried so deep, I don’t want to remember him…

Anyways, so he called. He really talked a lot, we laughed and stuff. It was actually fun, I thought we clicked. Then we got talking about relationships, partners and all. And he started giving me some good sound advices. Then he got talking about his ex. At first he just told me how he met her, why they broke up and all. I did think it was weird for a guy to be so direct and reveal everything about such things on a first conversation…my only thought was maybe he was deprived of someone to talk to about it?

It got even weirder when he started talking about the first time he had sex. He did ask me if I was open and whether he should continue…which I consented out of curiousity. I didn’t know what kind of details he would get into, and he did get into every detail! I was wondering the whole time where this guy was going with this. And is it normal for guys to talk about these things without a hidden agenda? When I told him later that I never did it before nor endorse premarital sex, he got really surprised, and even embarassed about the things he told me, and he was like, now you’re gonna think I’m a sex maniac and all that. I didn’t really think he was…so I just can’t quite make out what it was about. The whole conversation, the weirdest one I had so far. I’ve never talked about these things with a guy in my life!

A new year, a new day…

As the new year starts, we wished to start everything anew. To forget the past, to look forward. It is all too cynical though, as we reflect on the past year. The many things that took place, and wondered, if it could have been different.

If I could go back in time, there are many things I do wish to change. And yet, I wondered, if I really would. 2005 had basically been a good fruitful year, a year of many new wonderful experiences, a year of much blessings. And yet, I may look back on 2005 as that year I will never forget, the year of a heavy mistake, the year of one regret. Maybe many years from now, it will be a much distant past, a memory that seemed like a dream long forgotten, a dream that had managed to seemed real yet is not.

But right now, it is all too near, too new. Every thought of him still caused butterflies in the stomache, every realisation that his thoughts are not of me but of someone else, is like a stab more to a broken heart, every email to him and from him, is like a stage where two actors try to act as buddies behind a mask of regretful behaviour, every word as I write about this, stirs up memories of the not too distant conversation…Is there a shortcut out of this? There may never be…

In spite of pain, I wished she would take him back, I wished they may have a happy ending, I wished if not, that at least he will have a happy ending. It hurts even to feel his pain, maybe when he is happy, then I can be at peace again, with my soul, and myself.