Wonderful Christmas

Was it a wonderful Christmas for everyone? I had a great time, it’s all over too soon. I’m glad I had many friends to celebrate with, and much time to rest and sleep as well. Yes, on working days, I sleep too little. Not because I have much work, but I like to test my limits. I do not like the idea of lying in bed, entertaining silly thoughts as I try to sleep. Therefore, most nights, I pack my hours with TV and movies till my eyes get sore and I can’t stay up anymore, and so I fall asleep.

It is actually most unsatisfying I must add. I feel as if my life is rotting away. Self torture is no fun. It passes time quickly, but is most unfruitful. I plan to change my lifestyle, but not this year. Maybe next year I can start anew.

Anyways, he remembered me this Christmas. He sent his well wishes. Had things worked out, we might have spent Christmas together. Thank goodness in a way, it didn’t, coz if it did, it may have become too complicated.

I still write to him. As casually as I can. As I do not want to repeat the mistake. I have decided I will not follow my heart. Must use the head…

Do we torture ourselves?

Do people with the XX Chromosomes just love drama, and self torture after a broken relationship? Men seems to us to move on from one relationship to another with much ease. For me, a sorry mistake I made seems to haunt me forever. I find myself using the sorry ass excuse of a mistake to gloom and doom, to sit in a mess, to not want to change, to dwell in utter stupidity and replaying it over and over in my head. I have simply split my personality. In the morning, I am a girl of dignity, a respectable person who does her work fabulously well, who seems normal and all too blessed. But in the nights, I ran away from reality, and goes into my little fantasy world, where I am always the victim of my own pain, the one that is helpless, waiting for a Prince to come by to save me.

My question is, why do girls do this to themselves? We act all tough and self sufficient, when in fact, are we really just girls that wish for someone to lean on?

He and I are ‘friends’ again. Not the talking kind of friends though. Remember I wrote him an email? I asked why can’t we just friends. He didn’t reply for the longest time. It drove me crazy, coz I really needed to know if he’s angry or so over me. And so when I saw him online, I bugged him. He didn’t want to talk coz he was in a foul mood. So he emailed me the next day, and said, Why not? Friends…and so there it is. We’re ‘friends’. Although we had the shortest connection in time, I wouldn’t we can even pass as a relationship, but it feels like we broke off. It feels awkward, like he’s become an ex.

I missed it, I missed my friend.

Will we ever grow up?

It’s been a hard two weeks. Although i felt detached now, like the story of my life is someone else’s story I saw in a movie or read elsewhere, yet, I still feel the pain. I did what I should not have done, contact him. I wrote just a simple email, asking if we could still be friends. Sometimes I even forward text messages. Do I seem desperate to him? These uncertainties just killed every cell in me. He had not replied at all. It just made me worried all the more. Nobody knows what I’m going through inside. I still have sleepless nights just wondering, wondering, wondering. When will this be over?