Not time yet

It’s been a week gone by. During this time, I had been getting really caught up in work, and trying to settle some procratinated issues. I must admit that while I was caught up in busyness, I hardly thought about him, even if I did, it was really distant, not something that would conjure emotions. Something like that. Even at nights, when I was afraid of the dark and loneliness, that could lead me to think too much, I have filled the nights with some movies I bought, I would watch until my brain becomes so tired, that when I close my eyes, I would fall into deep sleep immediately. I am glad as well that he never invades my dreams.

I sought advice here and there, from anonymous online contacts concerning my issue, to be a friend or to not stay in touch at all. I really would like to still be friends, to occasionally keep in contact, but not to pursue anything more, but I still don’t know what’s the right time to do it, or to do it at all. I’ve gotten mixed advices from different people, one told me to totally forget him, or at least wait a month for all to cool down. One told me to follow my heart as we only live once. Another told me that it’s possible to have a long distant good friend, even if you’re married. Hhm

I still don’t know myself, I have too much ego to make the move to offer my friendship. I would like to wait until the day when I think of him, I would feel nothing at all. I guess, staying up till morning on the internet, actively searching for any news on him thru sites, shows that I haven’t forgotten. I can’t wait, till I’m set free from these thoughts.

The reply and the my thoughts

This morning, I opened my email, and hey I got a reply. A really long one. I’m gonna put it here and put my take on what I think he was trying to say here. Once again, some things are censored, so you guys won’t know who the heck I was talking about. I do not think I’m going to reply him for a while, would it be wiser to reply or not to? I would really like to retain just the friendship, a casual one. What would be the best way to go about, without making him misunderstand, or making us keep dwelling on the relationship issue. Please tell me what you think….Anyways, as I was reading this the first time, I got a bit teary. Really, truly, I still this stupid guy as a friend, is it weird of me to want to keep the friendship so much. I feel it’s so wasted to go like this…my take are in quotes.
Hey,

I am the one to be so sorry about all this. I thought I was ok with something, someone new. When you came back into my life I got so excited and wanted to share so much with you. I believed that it was a blessing. But then, I felt it happened too fast it soon became unreal. We hadn’t spent time reacquianting ourselves.

Yes, indeed we made a mistake of not taking the time to catch up and all first. My mistake, really. So people, learn from this. If you meet someone that you liked after a decade, keep your feelings to yourself until you really know what’s up with this person eh

In falling for you, I didn’t think I was an idiot. The bigger idiot came when I did nothing about us upon realising that we have a problem and dragged it on. I know you’ve done a lot for me, and I appreciate that. I know you hurt a lot because of me. And that bothers me. I became utterly unsure about what was to be a long distance relationship. I can’t be sure if that would be the best idea for both of us. I have never tried it and became worked-up over it.

I wasn’t sure myself what kind of relationship we were having, we were not committed to anything, was it an illicit affair :O but it was definitely confusing, we were ‘acting’ as if we were together, but yet denying we really are. One time, he thought i got mad at him for not calling, so he quickly called later and tried to explain where he was, why he wasn’t back early etc. I thought that was cute, coz, I was like, why are explaining to me? It’s not like we’re attached. So, lesson 2 guys, please get the what kind of relationship you’re going to have straightened out before moving deeper with your feelings attached. Or else, it becomes nothing more than a fling. And a fling with a good friend is just not worth it.

Over the last two weeks, I toggled between having someone new, and deciding if I could forget the recent past with the ex. I realised I have not let go. It would not be fair for you. I can’t live a lie knowing that someone on one end loves me, but I go missing someone else who can no longer be there. I don’t want you to be a substitute, especially not you. And I couldn’t tell you this because I was the one who was so sure we would work out. But I never intended to drag this, believe me. And I wasn’t avoiding you on purpose. I rested a lot after my injury and was extremely moody with my own life I didn’t want to deal with us. I know you were more concerned about my well-being than I was.

This part is a revelation…I only just knew that the whole ordeal was coz he hasn’t got over his ex. I should have known better. I had really wanted to ask him at first, how long was it since he broke up with his ex. It did seem like a awfully short time, maybe like two months? That’s too short for anyone to fall for another person again. I got myself into an awfully complicated more than a triangle affair you know. There’s so many involved. Firstly, I like him, he likes me, he misses his ex, his ex loves her ex. His ex and her ex got back together. I have a bf, who loves me, whom I love and am going to marry, yet I have this thing going on. Complicated? Right, like something out of a soap opera. So, he got his senses there, I don’t want to be a substiture either, like how he was a substitute for his ex previously. I never had a failed relationship, so maybe I was just testing the waters to see how it feels. Testing my relationship…seemed silly now.

A large part of this is maybe we don’t really know each other as much as we believe we do. We know who we are deep down, but in recent years, we have been out of each other’s life. And that drove me mad too. Because I just got out of a relationship that I thought I knew the person, but turned out that even with all the living and doing everything together for a good couple of years, I did not understand the person well enough. I should have known better. An earlier relationship took me about a year to get back on my feet. I told myself, its gonna be a while more before I decide to look on. But when you came along, I truly believed you could be the one to save me from all this madness. I told myself maybe all my previous relationships fell apart because I did not have someone who truly cared like you do. Its selfish of me. I wanted different and I wanted out.

This is so true. Don’t we always want somebody who loves us more that we love them? Selfish thought it is. So he thinks I love him more than he does me, but I’m doubtful of that. I thought I was the one holding the thread. Although he initially truly thought things could work out, I never held a candle lit for that. I knew from the start, this was all for the thrill of the moment thing. I could have handled it better, but I failed myself. Lesson learned, don’t play with people’s feelings. Don’t trust your own either. Be faithful to one, only one.

Last week while back in my hometown, I looked at most of the letters that you wrote. But one gave me much to think. It was the final letter, a six paper letter that you scolded me with waiting and me not responding. I wondered if that was to happen again. And already I was having some doubts about going on like this. Knowing myself, and the fact that I have little idea about where I wish to be next year or even next month, it is bound to happen again and I can’t help it because that’s how I am anyway.

Do you know he kept all my letters in a special box? I must have been quite special. I don’t think I kept his in a box, I can’t remember if I actually threw it away ;P Actually, maybe I was smitten by him in our first conversation when we met online after so long. He’s always been really good with sweet talk, and he sweet talked me into it, really. He even remembered my birthday! I couldn’t remember his…he remembered all the little details. So I thought he really meant it. Lesson learned, girls, don’t be fooled by sweet talk, some guys are just too good with words. Maybe I wanted that so much in my partner? My partner is simply a straightforward, no nonsense fella. Seriously, I do not remember sending him that last letter scolding him and all.

Last Monday when the accident happened. I was deeply concerned about my ability to prevail with life. I felt many strange sensations after that that I never felt before. At many points I was convinced that there was chance when I go sleeping, I would not see daylight again. That was why I needed to go verify more than once that there wasn’t anything more than just physical damage. I started thinking quite differently and although I felt stupid about it, I missed the ex-girlfriend a lot.
On what was to be our last meet-up ever, she told me the real reason she did not want to see me as a friend again was because she wanted to settle down with her ex. When I asked why the sudden decision as I recalled her to be on want-to-concentrate-on-life-and-work, she said she had a brush with death in a near hit on a van and all she could think was her ex. I didn’t have a near-death situation. But my luck was worse in fact, all the while I was left to speculate and monitor my own vital signs since last Monday. I wasn’t in favour of the idea of dropping dead while walking to the train or watching a movie or death in bed. I was depressed with almost everything that was going on in my life, including my helplessness over what we came to develop over the past 2 weeks. It was eating me from inside. Here I have, over the last 2 weeks, 10 courses of various capsules and tablets and 4 times to the doctors.

I guess they say the person you thought of most when you’re about to die is the one you most love? What nonsense is that? How many relationships breakup because people base their beliefs on this myth? I think it’s rubbish, damn what if I think of my pet as I was about to get knocked down by a car? Then I have to breakup with my bf to spend the life with my pet? Is that what relationship is about? It’s sick…but I think actually his ex never got over her ex. His ex knew she loved her ex more than him, but was waiting for him all along. So, the brush with death thing is merely a stupid excuse no?

I am sorry you had to take this leap of faith with me. Let’s not care who’s fault it is now and concentrate with our lives. It felt like an unreal 2 weeks, but within you I found solace. They say distance is no barrier, but at this point, I don’t want to disappoint anybody now. I don’t wish this never happened. Given another day, I would do the same again feeling for you. I don’t want to be someone I cannot learn to be and feel sorry for not doing right anymore.

What an idiot. He would do the same, has he not learned the lesson? Sorry man, I never really took the leap, I was merely standing at the edge, wondering what was on the other side. And distance is a barrier, I don’t in long distance relationships. It sucks big time./

You have done more than anybody can do for me. But I am not worth the pain. Thanks for all the care and prayers and good nights and so much more. I like the idea of calling you dear. I like your messages, jokes and poems. It’s wonderful and I hate to see it go like this. I am glad to have you truly mine for this very short two weeks. We couldn’t end it in the most pleasant manner, but we can be thankful it didn’t take a year to find out our foundations for these two weeks have not been well laid.

There wasn’t any foundation at all. And I was never truly his for 2 weeks. Maybe just one day? But no, I never really was his at all…and many people happen to call me dear and darling. In fact, at times, the phone conversations was fun, but it was really nothing more than two friends talking. At times, it was awkward, like there’s nothing much to say. Lesson learned, don’t rush into these things. Hey he was the one that wanted to call in the first place. In fact, he called right after the first night chatting, after we spent like 5 hours chatting, from before midnight to early morning, like 4am? And he still needed to call. So who’s rushing it? Not me, I don’t think so…

I am still yet to figure out what I have done since two weeks ago but I know life will not be the same again. I don’t want to be that naive guy saying that nobody knows what can happen tomorrow. This should be it. I am so thankful and at the same time sorry that we have to learn this lesson together with so much pain… I have done it once to you, again, again…. I should just stay out of your life. Here’s wishing you well to everything you do in life and good wellbeing. Take good care and I will (if I may still) miss you.

I truly hope he didn’t mean it when he said he want to stay out of my life. Like I mentioned, I don’t really want to lose this friend. After all, we could really click, and we’ve got so much more to say. Can’t we still stay friends even after all these? I am willing and able to just put it behind me. Do you think he can? Please give me some feedback!

Lonely nights

It would be a lie if I said I didn’t feel anything anymore. So after that long letter, I found myself subconsciously checking for replies. Pathetic I think. Maybe I’m just so curious to know what he thinks, maybe I just want some happenings in this boring life of mine,  but I know, it’s not because I really love him at all. Although, at nights, I keep dwelling on thoughts of him, the conversations we had, and it gets me really depressed. I turned to all sorts of things, drinking, watching movies, just to get my mind off the thoughts. I know what is the solution though, I just don’t feel like solving it. Weird ain’t I? Maybe I am a hopeless romantic. Something that I am not with my current partner. With my partner, I am just totally practical. So maybe I was trying to live out this fantasy life, trying it out, researching it out. Seemed like fun, but yet destroying myself.

I had been kinda busy with work and all, and actually not getting any time to get depressed during work, especially when I was hanging out with friends. I am like a normal person, happy and all. So, why is it that when I off the lights at night, put my head on the pillow, that I feel like crying? Any psychologists out there that can analyse me? Come on, make me the specimen. I want to know.

That long letter

I’m back! Feeling better than ever….but since there’s not much to say anymore, maybe I want to go back to that letter I mentioned yesterday. Hopefully, through my pains, others that read this blog can gain some insight. Let us analyse my foolishness together. Here’s what I wrote after the big breakup a couple of days ago with the smses. Some parts are censored for privacy

Dear XXX,

I’m sorry that I’m writing to you again. But I have some unspoken words. And since I’m sober now, I think I can write more clearly. I really need to say some things to you, before bringing everything to a closure. Please bear with me and hear me out for the last time.

FIrstly, I don’t think I was typing with a clear mind with last nite’s sms, so I guess I was a little harsh with the words. Sorry for that, I was drinking too much to try to forget these problems. So actually, I am glad you decided to initiate stopping all these last nite, I was hoping you would. Actually, I already knew this problem will come between us, I really did not expect we could even last thru the first week. By the end of the first week, I already wanted to email you, to tell you let’s just be friends. I wrote the email, but never sent it. Somehow, I guess I was waiting for you to say it first. I knew I wasn’t just paranoid, when I realised you were simply evading me, showing a disinterest in everything. I guess like me, you just didn’t know how to say it either. I really regret telling you how I felt, I knew by telling you, there will be no more friendship when it ends. I was silly, selfish and naive. And to think I believed you when you said with such sincerity and so sure of yourself, that you wanted to start some thing with me. I know I asked you many times, are you really sure. And you said you won’t let this go without a fight. I was too naive to believe that. I should have just brushed it aside.

Anyways, it is not your fault. You were depressed, and needed some compassion. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and should never have used your fragility at that point in your life for my own gain. Therefore, I believe I am entirely to blame for this short episode of our lives. I will go away having learned a lesson, and vow to not repeat it with another soul. But yet, I believe we met again for a reason, not so that we could get hurt again and move on, Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned for us both. So I just want to tell you a bit about yourself from my analytical point of view, from the viewpoint of someone who cared for you, from someone who possibly loved you.

I would advice that you stop being an idiot and using that as an excuse for failed relationships. I think you definitely can do better, and you’re worth better. Please do not think that you’re weird and inconsistent and therefore you are screwed up. You are a talented, smart person, and you have so much more in life waiting for you. You were placed on this earth for a much better purpose, so don’t let screwed relationships make you think you’re insane, but most importantly, please don’t use this sorry excuse. As a friend, I plead you to think this over. A relationship between 2 person, isn’t about what’s meant to be or not meant to be. I totally do not believe in fate actually. I believe a relationship takes trust, takes effort, takes commitment. Two person have to work on it together with a common goal. It’s not about the feelings, that itself will fade away. It’s not about convenience. There’s a price to pay, a sacrifice to be made to stay together. If relationships are about fate or whether you’re still feeling it or not, then there will be no successful marriages in this world. Maybe you already know this, but I just need to stress this with you so you won’t take this to another failed relationship. As for us, we started on the wrong foot. To be honest with you, altho I had really thought this might work, but at the back of my mind, I did not believe it would. In fact, maybe I dun have the slightest intention to work on it further. But yet at the same time I wanted to do so many things for you. In fact, do you know I actually bought you ***? Thought it would be a great Christmas gift for u, But ah, guess I will just sell it off now. Anyways, I said it was a mistake, coz as much as I loved you, sometimes love just ain’t enough.

So I really hope that when you meet that girl in your life, that you would put all your effort into it. Don’t let your past failed relationship be a hindrance to work on it again. I know you put so much effort into your last relationship in Melbourne, and yet she left you, Maybe you felt used, worthless and vow not to love another girl as much again. But it wasn’t your fault nor hers, for you should have ensured that her heart wasn’t longing for another before stepping into it. basically you were stepping into a three person relationship with the hopes of winning over her heart entirely to yourself. It’s really easy for a girl to be drawn to the person most caring and next to them at the moment, but it doesn’t mean the heart is given entirely. So, guess you should make that sure the next time you have a target. And please, love is not a gamble nor a game. Please don’t play such games again.

I’m also sorry I could not answer your call, even though I know It’s probably the last call I can get from you. In fact, I really was hoping to talk to you last night, before you sent the sms. But my heart is weak, and I don’t want to be the weakling that cries over spilt milk in front of you. You’re wrong when you say I have a stronger resolve than you. It is so damn hard for me to come to this decision. So many times, I wanted to end it, and yet whenever I hear your voice, I back off again. I was really helpless for the first time in my life. I hate being helpless like this, so I cannot take it anymore such crap, you know. So, actually I was already at that edge, it’s a do or die thing. I had to do it,…I had to break it clean with you. Else, I would be living a lie to myself, a life of deception. A lie that was slowing eating me away. So, yea It’s not because I had a stronger resolve, it was simply that I was dying, so my survival instincts got awoken and I had to just act upon it or die. Today as I was walking on the road, deep within the abyss of my heart. I did wish I could physically get knocked down by a car, and leave this torturous life for good. What a selfish thought that was tho. I guess my life is not my own, but belongs to my Creator, who would use me and do to me as He has planned. I am satisfied to be just like that for now.

I do hope, that after this, you really will change your perceptions on life and all this stuff. I really wish you all the happiness, that you will be blessed in the works of your hands, and your future undertakings. Maybe we will meet again, maybe in Heaven one day. I do hope we can remain friends the days that we are here on Earth. It is funny now to think that you said, what we have is time. Looks like time has run out on us. Nevertheless, all the best my dearest friend. May life treat you good, God bless.

Best Regards

Heart Cry

What do you gather from my letter? Did I sound like a despo, a super pained whiny gal, or a tough bitch? Sigh, I feel lonely at nights. Especially at nights….

Finally over

It is finally over. I wrote him a long letter today, just felt I needed to tell him what actually went wrong. It is going to take some time for me to forget him. Today was a totally moody day. In fact many times I was on the verge of breaking down, the floodgates of my tear duds had to be surpressed. Once again, I felt helpless, although I felt a burden lifted. Finally I wasn’t living a lie to myself, but yet deep inside, I didn’t feel like living. Wishing I could find a shorter escape route, how a coward would do. But I am not a coward. So I will face up to the consequences of my own actions. It’s just, there’s such a pain, not so much in losing a lover, but more for losing a friend, I wish and wish again, if only I had kept my feelings to myself. At least then, I still have a friend.

The last words

20th Nov

I asked:
How are you? I’m still thinking of you…

You replied:

I am good thanks. I know things aren’t really going great for us.And I feel helpless at this stage. I think about you too all the time. But I dun know how to handle us now…

I replied:

U know what. I think I’m going crazy thinking of you. I should tell you this. It’s a mistake. Let us stop the sms and whatsoever contact. Be no more than casual friends. Coz ur juz and idiot who dun know what he’s doing. I dunno how to handle u either n I really wish to get on with my life. Let the past be past. Goodbye for good.

You replied.

Some text were missing from your msg. Was waiting for it to update but it never did. Yes. I am an idiot. Has been n always will be. I dun want to explain anything bcoz I know I am wrong. Dun want to go on hurting you and making you wait for me everyday. But I dun know how to let you know. That I am at crossroads. I cannot dcide where I want to go. who I want to be. 2 weeks ago I was sure.Now I am not.

I replied.

Let me update you. I will not be hurt by the same person. Let me tell you which road to take. Take the one without me in the picture. Sorry it has to come to this. But better now than later. I just wish you a good life. Let the memories stay in d past. Now and forever. Goodbye for good.

You replied,
Sorry I come in and out of ur life the way you hate most,. But I never lied. That I am sure of. Juz dun know why I cannot keep up with a long distance relationship for long. And I am also sick of myself these days about killing us both playing the waiting game. Mistake I dun know. Not meant to be now I’m beginning to believe.

I replied.

I know you didn’t lie. I pray we both wake up tomorrow and it’s all a dream. I know I will cry tears for many nights, but soon it will be over, even if ten years.

You replied.

U have stronger resolve than I. I am weird and so damn inconsistent. I;m screwed up. You deserve way better n you know it. I wish I never live a day to hurt you again. Tomorrow you wake up and you never have to wait for news from me. How good is that? I didn’t know what to say at first but you helped me so much. I will miss this. I dun cry that much but will spend some time questioning my sanity. Maybe another knock would do the job faster.

I have nothing more to say….so I cried and tried to sleep.

Another desperate attempt

Yes, for a couple of days now, I have been scolding myself for being stupid. How can i invest my heart into this without thinking? I had been telling myself over and over again, just forget him. Get over with it! He’s not serious, neither are you. I knew from the beginning that if I started playing this game, I’m the one on the losing end. Yet, he told me, it’s a gamble, but it’s worth it. Is it really?

It was another night of me waiting, wondering…I now only hear from him once a day. I really want to contact him as well, but my ego is stopping me. I don’t want to make him feel obligated to contact me back whenever I contact him. yea it’s got to be stopped.

 

So now actually, I don’t know how to proceed. I wrote him a letter, about how we should just move on. Yet I can’t send it to him. Although I know it’s hopeless, yet there’s the tiny hope inside…do you know? It is just weird. I guess I am secretly hoping he’s the one that will end it. That maybe he will leave again, and never return. That’d be hurtful but good.

 

 

 

Why bother?

I think I’m giving up. I think I’m thinking more of him than he of me. How can he say he’s falling for me, when he doesn’t initiate anything, he focus only on his work. I find myself waiting by the phone every night, but he doesn’t call. He may call only if I ask him to. I don’t think that’s how a man that’s falling for a girl would act. I think, I will let this go, it’s only a week plus, and the feelings are already gone. It speaks volumes to me about what I already know, it’s not about feelings.

Obssession

It feels like obssession. The more I know, the more I want to know. I think I now know more of him than he of me, yet it is still not enough. Even after much we’ve talked about, still I can’t tell him of certain things, I did not dare ask certain things. Maybe because I am unsure of myself and what I may be capable of. What if i can’t live up to my words? Have you ever felt that kind of obssession with someone? That you wish you can talk 24 hours a day. An hour a day hardly seems enough.

Memories of yesteryears

Last week was unreal. We met again. This time in cyberspace. Somehow, we got talking like it was yesterday. The more than a decade without communication did not become a block. With most people, it would have been. It would have been really awkward. We chatted a while, then past midnite, then way into the early morning. So much was brought up, and most amazingly, we actually confessed our feelings for each other, feelings we never told before. I was actually just telling him that the fact that I missed him those times he disappeared. Unknowingly, he started telling how he felt of the possibilities and stuff.

 

Anyways, throughout the week, we started talking on the phone, we talked for nearly an hour for the first few days. I keep questioning myself, how can this be real, and whether this feeling would disappear soon. After all, I didn’t think I could give up my life here, a good life I had been so blessed with without him all these while.

 

At certain points of our conversation, I did feel maybe I don’t know him like I used to anymore, he’s definitely not the same person as ten years ago, I know I’m not. He’s definitely changed. Can I still like him? Yet, I feel happy just talking to him, happy just thinking of him. I thought of him like from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. For one week, I live in a blur, in deception to myself, in deception to the people around me. What have I done?