Sure nice talking to you

Sure nice talking to you…you still strike my heart.

We’re talking like nothing happened yesterday. Although you try to be upbeat, you try to joke around today, somehow, I can sense your sadness. Something is depressing. Sometimes it’s better not to know how you feel, cause it makes me feel the same

Feel

I feel what you feel, I cannot help but breathe the air that carries the winds of melancholy, the air you sigh in. Even a thousand miles away, my heart cries at every sadness in your heart. I just want you to be happy. That’s the only way I know how to love…to cry with you when you cry, to laugh with you when you laugh, to just be there, knowing your every trial, every victory, every brokenness, every hope.

Doing this, without your even knowing it, wouldn’t matter to you. I know for a long time, I am no more the one in your heart. Sure, sometimes a small part of me wishes otherwise. Did you leave because you love me, because you know you will hurt me, because you don’t want to disappoint me again? Did you do it out of selfish reasons, or is it true love? Is true love about letting go, as long as he is happy.

When you let me go, you did make me happy. I am now happy, a state I probably cannot achieve even if I was in your arms. Being with you can only bring hurt, heartache, confusion, melancholy. I am now happy, but I wish you can be the same. Only when you are, can I really then, be completely happy. How can my soul rejoice, when yours agonizes?

You’re in my every prayer. Know that He will take care of you, to be your hope in these times of depression.

Memories…

A few weeks ago, I started to have relapsing memories of him, the soulmate of 11 years ago. The one who caused me to start this blog 3 years ago when he came back into my life. After a hurtful 2 weeks with him, and then years of healing, I could say I was finally healed and really stopped thinking of him this year. In fact, this year was the only time I actually forgot even his birthday. For the last couple of years, I went to sleep sometimes just thinking of him. Thinking of all the past hurts and words that were exchanged. So, I believe I truly managed to forget him this year. I was actually happy and thinking of him didn’t bring pain to my heart. Well, the last couple of weeks, I was just thinking of him again, but the feeling wasn’t there anymore. It was like a distant memory, a distant dream. Give me another 10 years, I will probably forget everything.

However, last Wednesday we spoke again, online. This was the first time we spoke since the last time which was a year ago already. I guess now we only catch up as friends once a year. As accessible as the internet is, it doesn’t really cause people to communicate more regularly, instead it’s the reverse. Those days of snail mail, we used to write so much more often.

So we talked, we still click like we used to. I am more careful this time to remain as casual as possible and not to bring up the past. Indulging in past feelings isn’t going to help. So we just talk about the things we are doing now and all that. Amazingly just casual talk and chat can take up nearly 2 hours. I am satisfied with the way things are now. What’s wrong with just remaining casual talk once a year friend. The rest of the year we can put each other aside and don’t need to dwell in forgotten past.

Like I mentioned before, I have so many crushes on so many men, it is just normal to have that right. But with this man, I will always love him, unconditionally, with no expectations of anything in return. It’s just that whenever I do think of him, I realise I still love him. Like a name crafted and engraved in my heart, over the years it may be covered by layers of skin and cell, but it will always be there. It cannot be removed much as I want to. No matter what he has done, I can always find in my heart to forgive him, to continue to love him. Doesn’t matter if he’s aged, changed, forgotten me even, I can never forget him. Doesn’t matter if I can love and live with someone else, my heart doesn’t lie to me. I will always love you.

Vanity

Vanity, vanity, it’s all vanity…ever heard that? Rings true. Some time ago, met someone online. It always starts as an innocent friendship, and that is really what I want. I never want any thing more with anyone online, as I want to be a committed person. However, I admit that it’s not possible to just be friends that totally like each other with some one of the opposite sex. Writers have debated over this over the years. But how do you stop yourself, when deep in you, you already know that there is a sort of attraction there?

So, this guy, we met about a year ago, when I was still single, and so was he. He was much younger, and lived on the other side of the world. We found numerous things in common to talk about, but ultimately was the flirting possibilities that kept it on. He was not pressing, or persistant, and talked from the beginning about keeping it real, only friends is what we say. However, a mistake we made was we didn’t keep our affections about each other a secret, but easily spill it out over the internet. We weren’t anonymous to each other either, willingly exchanging photos and personal details.

There was a clear line we never crossed for over months. And then both of us got attached, at about the same time, me first and then him. We were acting like more than friends, and he did many things for me, like what friends would. He was also suggestive etc, though I never wanted to go with it. Until one day, he crossed the line and wanted me to come along. When I refused, it probably hurt him. And so he disappeared from the face of the earth, gone from my radar. I tried to apologise and told him why I just wanted nothing more, no reply. That was last year, so I am just writing to confirm that some things just don’t last. I was a little sad, as I liked the friendship part as long as we stayed well away from testing the waters, why can’t it remain that way, I would think, and yet I would know it wasn’t really possible. I guess this is not the first time that I realise friendships that cross the line can’t ever return to the way it was before. A case well proven…yet learned. I miss him…sometimes.

Satisfied…or am I?

It had all been bliss….commitment, it’s a beautiful thing. As you might have noticed, I write here when something in my heart and mind is not right. I write here to let it all out. I write here so I can surrender myself, the fact that I am sometimes, quite messed up.

I met a new friend. It was insignificant how we met, but the moment I set eyes on him, there was chemistry. I’m not talking about love here, but have you ever been in a room of hundreds of people and at least one person stood out? It was like that.

So, we talked, and now we’re friends. We really clicked, there’s so much we could talk about. As usual, he’s attached and so am I. That’s fine, but I can’t help but wonder why a normal boy and girl can’t be just friends. There’s always something sexual about a boy girl relationship, by that I don’t mean literally sex. For me, if I was close to a guy friend, and you can be buddies and all, and you can be happily attached yourself, but when you’re too close, there’s that other kind of attraction which I can’t explain that you don’t find with same sex friendships. Is that normal?

So, it was to the point where I can’t wait for our next conversation, we joked and talked, but no, we don’t flirt. Draw the line. But there’s that small yearning and excitement of meeting again. Maybe this is due to the beginning of friendships which will eventually wear off. I try to tell myself to stop being so analytical, can’t I just appreciate a friendship as it is. I really don’t understand how some people can be best friends with a another guy without falling in love with him. Beats me.

Breaking one off

Today, after arguing with one of the men who claimed attraction to me, I decided to break off all contact with him. This must be the one most wise things I’ve done in a long time. This man that I was in contact with, had for months, been showering me with praises and showing great attraction to me, making me feel great. However, I don’t exactly have a great deal of attraction to him. I had made it clear to him from beginning that I have a boyfriend, and that I will not leave my boyfriend or anything for him. He understood that, but he was really persistent and sometimes rather pushy. He flirted a lot and tried to romance me into giving in to him. Thank goodness I did not. However, this guy some times can just read girls. Many times I fell for his charm? I told him many things that I shouldn’t…basically I was beginning to get emotionally attached to him. Needing this companionship, loving the time spent together. However, today I just decided to break it off clean. He wanted a symbiotic relationship, whereby I fulfil him physically and he will fulfil me emotionally. I found that totally morally unacceptable…all I wanted was just be friends. Friends who care sincerely and just able to talk at times…but he wanted more. I argued with him for about 2 days why I can’t do it. He forced me to a corner to make the choice…decide to go ahead or go. It wasn’t exactly a hard decision. So instead of lingering on and just letting this conversation go on and on and on again next time, I decided, let’s just move our own ways. This is not worth it. Not mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Not worth the toll it takes on my head and heart. I love my boyfriend, no one else.

Bad girl

My boyfriend thinks the two weeks of infidelity with the other guy, an emotional affair, does not constitute an affair. So men, affairs means getting physical, or does it?

I had been a bad girl. Ever since then, I believe I have had a couple more affairs. For me, affairs are defined as sharing private matters with another man that I don’t want my boyfriend to find out. Obsessing over this other man, thinking of him more than my boyfriend. That constitutes an affair for me. An emotional affair. Why do I do it? I think my boyfriend is meeting my needs fairly already. However, the bad girl in me sometimes seek the excitement outside of the comfort of his arms. I’m finding the praises of strange men sweet to the ears, the attention I get, they get to my head. I know the terrible effects having these affairs will do to my relationship with him. Why do I still do it? Any counselors out there?

Sleepless Night

On another one of those sleepless nights, I found myself thinking of you. The memory is getting vague, and I seem to be struggling to remember you, the little I know of you. I began to wonder if the reason you did not want to have anything to do with me anymore is because you loved me so much you didn’t want to hurt me once again. Silly idea it is, an idea so often used in dramas isn’t it? Never theless I loved the idea, and thought often of it. If only…

And at the same time I kept dreaming of actually meeting up with you, I still remember the song, When Will I see you again as the song that reminds me of you… saying so much about how I felt about you.  I guess if I did meet up with you, there can only be two outcomes, I either can totally forget you or will fall all over again for you. Either or, I guess it is not happening, not in this life. In this life, I belong to someone else, and will soon live that life happily ever after, with you forever edged in my memory, slowly become vague and dreamlike once again.

Call you?

It was Christmas, I sent him a greeting. He asked me to call if I was free as he was in town. My heart probably skipped a bit. I read the message over and over again. What did he mean? Did he seriously wanted me to call? I toyed with the phone in my hand. If he wanted to talk, shouldn’t he call? What would he think if I had called? What would his girl think?

So, I toyed with the idea of calling him, possibly meeting up even. But eventually, I did not have the guts to do it. Call me coward, but I was afraid of repeating history with a silly move. What if I had not entirely gotten over it, putting my feelings back on the plate to be eaten up again? My heart was too vulnerable for that.

Love unconditional

Can one truly love with all their heart and then totally not feel a thing for the person they once loved? For me it’s not possible. Crushes are different, but when you love someone and put all your heart into that person, and then it’s all over, you can’t just move on and forget and have no more feelings when thinking back to that person ever.

I have moved on, but once I loved you. I would have given you anything you asked. I was prepared to give up my life, my everything, just to be with you. Day and night I wished to see you. Even after you leave, I wanted to be angry with you and then erase you from my heart. I cannot do it. Ten years later, I am able to love someone else. But I can’t unlove you. Thinking of you, I still have that unexplainable feelings. We never touched, yet I cannot forget that connection we had. I am ready to love you the same again, but I know I am now nothing in your heart. A memory long forgotten, and gladly thrown out.

Can a person say I love you and turn his back? Can a person who used to think of you every waking hour now despise you? Can a person who used to regard you as the most important, now wished you don’t exist? What is love. Is it not vanity. It is unconditional…just as I love you, and wish nothing in return. I would give it all to see you happy again.